So, Bubba and I have been together for just about a dozen years, married for eight and happy as two highly immature clams who should probably be supervised at all times but by the magic of expertly honed misdirection are running a household in which cocktails and popcorn for dinner are considered acceptable nourishment.
|A man for whom the phrase, "Reapply regularly" is completely unknown.|
To say that we wouldn't be fit parents for bringing up a well-balanced individual to be a proper citizen is an understatement. We're also not real into kids to boot, so the notion of us bringing a child into the world to fulfill the expectations of parents, grandparents and Askers of When seems a bit...I don't know...ill-conceived.
If you'll pardon the pun.
PARDON IT, DAMN YOU.
I mean, I hardly ever pun. Let me have my moment.
|Also, we stab with forks. Which I think is not what Dr. Spock means when he says, "parenting tool."|
The response we most commonly receive in return for our candid admission is, "Oh! But you'd make great parents! You have so much to teach to the children of our future! And, plus, even if you don't like kids in general, you'll always love your own kids and OH MY GOD THEY'RE JUST SO FUN."
|Think about it carefully -- Is this what you want a kid learning?|
|Plus, should the devil really spawn children? I think that No.|
I just don't know why honesty is not the best policy in this case, but from what I've seen from the frazzled parents who most commonly approach us with this tired Q&A, honesty is not enough.
|Perhaps they would respond better to fire?|
So, we've resorted to a variety of different responses based on the various aggression levels of the Askers of When:
Aggression Level: Wannabe Grandparents
Response: You know how selfish we are because you remind us so frequently. It just wouldn't be right for us to bring a child into the world knowing that we'd obviously abandon it in front of the television while we did keg stands with Bubba's home brew before running off on a spontaneous backpacking trip into Desolation Wilderness with nothing but our eatin' knife and a crossbow. NOW WOULD IT?
Aggression Level: Wannabe Great-grandparent
Response: We are terrible awful people who have no excuse for why we do things. We should be put down. (You can't reason with wannabe great-grandparents. They are too sweet and adorable. Just give them the answer that they want OR act so pathetic that they actually begin to hope that you won't procreate.)
Aggression Level: Frazzled parent of young children
Response: Really? You should really work on your salespitch or at least comb the vomit out of your hair before posing that question.
Aggression Level: Understanding parent of teenage children
Response: Really? Yeah. I didn't think so.
Aggression Level: Random Asker of When For Whom This Subject Is None Of Their God Damned Business
Response: We eat delicious little childrens. Like, as a meal. Eating our own would be...I don't know...wrong somehow. We just can't risk the temptation.
Aggression Level: The "Serious" Asker of When For Whom This Subject Is None Of Their Special God Damned Business Either Even Though They Put On Their "I Really Care" Face
Response: Global overpopulation is one of the greatest concerns of our time. We just couldn't, in good conscious, bring more people onto a planet as taxed and resource constrained as this. I mean, if we, as a people, decide to inhabit and destroy other planets, then, certainly we'd consider it. I mean, what are we going to do with our lives otherwise? Pursue happiness or some such nonsense? I think not.
Because right now, the question is totally appropriate and not presumptuous or accusatory at all.
OK - so that's what the deal is with us and kids. We're not into it.
Will we live to regret this decision? Maybe. Just like we'll *maybe* live to regret the decision to put a kegerator in our garage. Except that we can hock that thing on Craigslist for $50 if we decide we don't want it anymore and, with a kid, I hear that shit is frowned upon.
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