Friday, July 06, 2007

Such a sucker

There are a lot of things I outwardly loathe. Of those things, collections and the activity known as collecting are at the tippy top of the list. And if what you're collecting is plastic, especially useless and of no foreseeable value even after a century of living in original shrink wrap - the loathing becomes even more extreme and all-encompassing.

Take the KFC Dale Jr. collectible chicken buckets, for instance. Really? Is there a segment of the population so overwhelmed with creepy misplaced love for a man who drives a car that they would not only purchase an entire bucket of chicken in his name, but then save the gree-zy bucket for future reminiscing and nostalgia? Stunning.

And then there's Adults Who Collect Stuffed Toys. Nothing activates my gag reflex quite like the sight of a bookshelf lined with chronologically organized Beanie Babies. And if they have protective plastic covers snapped over their red heart tags then there had better be a trash can nearby and ready access to a baseball bat.

Oh, and freaks who have display cases full of every McDonald's Happy Meal Toy ever spawned. Hate.

Then when I'm vacationing somewhere and pass a trinket hut selling googley-eyed seashells with sparkly puff paint reading, "Hawaii".

I have to ask why, people? Where is that going to go in your house? On the mantel? I think not.

And I'll tell you right now, no one wants it - so don't go giving it away to anyone. Because they're going to go home and say not nice things about what a tool you are and how it's because of people like you that our landfills are full of grains of rice with your name on it.

Yes, that is right. We know who you are. Didn't think about that, did ya?

So, clearly, my hatred runs a deep scary swath through my soul.

And yet, I went to the 7-Eleven turned Kwik E Mart this morning and spent $1.62 on a Lisa Simpson twisty straw/magnet from which I plan to drink every single beverage until its pink plastic structure is eroded by time and/or usage.

And this is because the warm fuzziness hearkened by The Simpsons is apparently stronger than the bitter bile churned up by being the sucker of an obvious marketing scheme aimed at pathetic collectors.

To be sure, I am stewing in my own fresh shame.

Meanwhile, see how fun?

Of course, I didn't have to buy anything. I could have settled for being the loser taking pictures of donuts and empty shelves. But, as it turns out, the allure of a pink twisty straw AND THEMED MAGNET was more that my weakened restraint could handle.

Please note, however, the lack of a photo featuring me with my arms thrust around Homer's neck. In a rare moment of restraint (self-consciousness) I managed to sidestep that particular embarrassing impulse.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And, for anyone who's wondering, no - I don't see any irony or contradiction in this post.


  1. So where's the photo of you drinking through you brand spanking new Lisa straw. My hubby is dying to go to the one and only Kwik E Mart in Canada, which just so happens to be near us. But the line ups have been insane ever since it converted.

  2. You exercised restraint? You? Why, Finny? Please, a Homer pic is so necessary (I'm not kidding). I just bought a friend a talking Apu pen and a Homer Chia pet. What else could a respected doctor need or want for his birthday?
    I hope there's a Quickie Mart here. I didn't know they had opened yet. I hear they have spotlights and everything. This is the best movie promo ever.

  3. Earlier this week, my 8-year old read about the Kwik E Marts in the newspaper. She's so excited. And I'll admit, so am I.

    And, as for the collecting. I must admit that I've recently discovered a special place in my heart that is made happy by the look and feel of the fisher price round people. Seriously, they give me peace, especially when I put them in their little round chairs.

    Do you still feel loathing if I tell you that I actually play with them?

  4. Or does that just mean I'm certifiable?

  5. OMG! Such fun! It's Springfield come to life! Love it.

    And, glad/relieved to see that your little adventure in hillbilly golf and nacho cheese fountains did not spawn an irrational desire to dabble in Nascar memoribilia. I am rendered speechless by the idea that someone green-lighted a fried chicken bucket collecting scheme. And even further mute thinking that the birth of said campaign must mean that there's a willing target market for it. Scary?

  6. tinkerblue-I am still mildly ashamed of myself for buying the straw. Photographic evidence of my bliss might be a little too much right now.

    woofnanny - Well, "restraint" was used loosely since I did veer off my usual work commute to visit a convenience store to take photos and buy a twirly straw.

    wendy - If it makes you happy, by all means. I mean, I did buy a straw just because Lisa Simpson was on it, afterall. Just don't start displaying those dolls in place of your family photos. That's when it starts to get weird.

    Shelley - There must be a market, right? NASCAR fans are the scariest. Do you know of any other fans that will wear a tshirt with the Jiffy Lube logo emblazoned across the chest just because it has a driver's illegible signature underneath it? No, me neither. Freaks and their chicken, I swear.

  7. Oh that's awesome! I'm planning on going sometime this week/weekend... hopefully it will still be there! The doughnuts look deeelicious... and I don't even like donuts! I don't know if you've seen the commercials, but for some reason I think Spiderpig is hilarious.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.